An Atlas Body in Days- A Child's Ambition

This was originally posted in June 2009.

Most any reader of comic books will recall the Charles Atlas ads that  promised the less than athletic children of the comic book demographic  a hard muscular body in no time.  The most popular of these ads  pre-dates my comic book reading days.  It involves a skinny guy  getting kicked around at the beach and laughed at, only to return post  Charles Atlas course ripped and to whoop up on the bully who  humiliated him before.  I never saw this particular ad growing up nor  was I bullied around much.  However, the thought of being the most  ripped kid at McBrien Elementary School was appealing.  In the back of  a Boy's Life magazine was a short but simple ad.  It showed a very  muscular man and beside it the words "An Atlas Body in Days".  Below  were instructions to send twenty-five cents to an address in NeW York  City.  If this marvelous physique could be had in days for only 25  cents, then I was certainly going to go about doing it.




How naive I was to think that there existed some magic exercises that  would see me achieve in days what body builders labor years to accomplish.  However, the laughability of the story does not end here.   I was all ready to plop my quarter in an envelope and mail it off.   My mom however, insisted we send a check.  Yes, a check for  twenty-five cents.  I don't know if the check was ever mailed.  I  recall my mom saying it was, but that may or may not be true.   Regardless, the secret to being muscle bound in a matter of days never  arrived in my mailbox.  If the check was in fact sent, I daresay those  selling the secret found the time and cost it would take to process  the check not worth their time and laughed as they tossed it in the  trash.  I can understand the need to send a check as proof paid, but  did my mom really think these people would send collection agents  after a quarter?  In truth, I doubt my mom ever sent the check and  likely thought I would forget the matter.   Well I didn't forget it.   

After a few weeks of disappointing trips to the mailbox, I told my mom  I was going to take action.  I was going to write the folks at Charles  Atlas and say, "If you don't send me the book, I will sue you."  My  mom shot a most serious reply and said, "Don't you dare!"  I guess my  mom feared some serious legal action against this 7 year old who was  cheated out of a quarter would be the result of my threat.  I don't doubt my sloppy cursive on a sheet of tablet or notebook paper would  have had those corporate lawyers shaking in their shoes.  I guess it  is telling that on this occasion, she did not encourage any other kind  of follow up on my part.  Maybe a polite inquiry about the status of  the mailing would have been suggested if it had ever been mailed in the first place.




If I couldn't be the strongest kid at school, maybe I could be the  richest.  Through the comic book/Boy's life magazines that were my  media, I found another fine money-making opportunity.  So grand was this opportunity that it was not limited to a 1x2 inch ad in the back of the magazine.  This opportunity took up an entire page.  On the page  were a plethora of fabulous prizes.  There was a trampoline, a tent, a  bicycle offered to young people whose salesmanship
excelled.  I seem  to recall some really lame prizes like x-ray glasses and whoopee  cushions for those who sold very little. I recall my friend Jason and  I considering a partnership in this venture.  Two kids could no doubt  sell even more than just one!  I told my dad about this idea and nixed  it.  Suprisingly, he was polite about it and not condenscending at  all.  He just told me it was not a good idea as the products were very  hard to sell.  I daresay he was right.  Number one: salesmanship has  never been a gift of mine.  Number two: I was not allowed to venture  very far from home and my clientele would have been very small.   Should I have made a few sales, I doubt they would have been repeat  business enough to earn me that trampoline or even the whoopee cushion  for that matter.  A few years ago, I read about kid who actually  attempted this and found it a very entertaining read.  If you like,  check it out for yourself -http://rockass.net/allmyjobs/2005/08/salesman-for-captain-o.html, but only after you finish reading my  blog.  It's fun to read about the guy's other jobs too.

On a side note, my friend Jason and I also envisioned making a pile of  money stuffing envelopes.  There used to be ads in the Chattanooga  Times that read something like, "Earn extra money stuffing  envelopes-Free Supplies".  Again, our thinking was that two bodies  could stuff even more and make even more money.  I think we had  envisioned one of us folding whatever went in the envelope while the  other sealed them.  I don't remember any parental discouragement on  this one, but I did read few years later it was a scam.  It seems you  either end up paying for supplies only to be told, "Now find somebody  who needs envelopes stuffed." Another scenario was that you wind up  stuffing envelopes as you send other poor saps information (that they  paid you for) instructions on how to post their own envelope stuffing  ads.
These are but a few of the grand ambitions of my youth.  I also considered setting up many a lemonade/snack stand in my yard or that  of a friends.  I am sure if my family had a working lawnmower for more  than a week at a time, I'd have pursued that angle.  Some friends and  I started a bicycle repair shop once.  I think our handmade sign  lasted a few days on the telephone pole of a very lightly traveled  road. Another friend and I were going to open a bike track complete  with ramps and all.  I don't doubt this business would have thrived,  at least until his dad came come and parked the car in the middle of  our bike track that doubled as his driveway.

Where did this ambition and enterprise go?  Is it the thought of the  hard work or the economics that stifle such entrepenuerial efforts  now? Does age shrink dreams?  It seems I should be envisioning auto  repair shops now, go-cart tracks, restaurants or
landscaping  businesses now that I am older.  Instead, I work a typical 9-5 job and  the thought of owning a business of my own offers very little appeal.   I guess life in the real world can zap a person's gumption.

I guess I could run an ad offering quick and easy weight loss for a quarter...I just hope nobody sends me a check.